There Never Was A Once Upon A Time

The problem with birthdays is that we expect everything to change.
We think that overnight our faerie godmothers will come and sprinkle dusk over us.
Thinking that when we wake we will be the little princesses finding amazing meals and silken gowns.
Our expectations are set so high that we believe people and situations will differ from the norm.

The reality is this:
When we wake nothing has changed.
Because there is no faerie godmother. There is no glorious feasts or magnificent gifts.
The poverty that once was still is. The angry people are still angry.
Hearts are still broken. Feelings are still ignored.

There is no ball.

For me there is only one thing that's for sure.
Instead of midnight ending it all and changing everything back to the way it was..
Midnight only ends it. Nothing changed in the first place.
I was never a princess.

Something is still wrong with me.

Silence Is Golden But Gagging Is Messy

Swollen cheeks and a blistered mouth keep ruining my mask.
I've held back for days but I feel weaker. Disgusting.

Paint me a new mask. Something beautiful and clean.
I want to swim in porcelain. Colour me pink with wild eyes.

I haven't slept for years and I dream everyday.
Ears filled with bloody songs and lips like sand.

I once read about a girl who would say "Once when I was a real girl..."
Now I know what she means. Reality is a fleshy memory that swings on wires.

My existence is tiresome and an enigma of twine.
A tangled mess I don't want to unravel.

Carousel

The carousel is spinning.
No sign of stopping.
It's never ending ups and downs.

Hold on tight.

She brings me up.
Flying.
I'm starting to feel again.
The blood starts flowing.
Existence is kissing my fingers.

The hunger still gets to me.
Growling. Crying.
Feed. Purge.
That moment when my painted steed goes down.
Hold on tight.

Keep Me Up Till 1:01

Caught of guard. As always.
My new addiction.

Hello ground, I seem to have hit you rather hard.
Fallen?
Oh floor, you know me so well.

Shhhh. I'm Deconstructing.

My hands are tied. Self-control is gone.
I can't help myself, let alone them.
It's thinking too much and not feeling enough.
Like a blackout where everything is too visable.
I cover my eyes so I don't have to see the destruction.
My own.

Moonlight Sonata

Beethoven beating in my head.

The sky was grey and the golden leaves danced around the ground.

Cold breeze.

My bangs escaped and flew everywhere.

Beethoven whispering in my ears.

Somewhere deep inside I am sighing.

I am happy to be alive.

At least for today.

My Muse

She's a million miles away

beneath the sea.

Full of life she is

under the waves.

Smell Of Bath Water

It's not the promised sweet slip into sleep.
More like choking; gasping and coughing.
Dizzy the white walls will bounce back and forth.

Practice takes time.
Every second below the surface lasts a hundred years.

Pin me down.
I'll never sleep on my own.

I'm Not Lolita

I wish he would have done it

years and years ago

then these nightmares

would be justified.

Somewhere In Time

I belong in old pages full of fading ink.

Imaginary places that were once real and breathing.

I keep watching these beings running around me. Won't let myself be sucked into this race.

I am sick of waiting for my time to come.

Full of illusion.

These walls won't block me. This ground can't hold me.

Between Dreams: The Real and Not So

I keep seeing the leaves turning blue. A paddle boat in a river. Clinging.

She's dying. Body dying on the inside, showing it on the surface.

They show me pictures. Tell me words. Describing who I am.

I'm not real.

I'm not convinced of my existance.